Monday, January 19, 2009

Why I am not currently blogging. And why that makes me sad.

I sort of fell of the blogging bandwagon with my trip to the States, out of necessity, lack of time, and so very little that could be shared in a public forum. I understand a bit about why people have private blogs (so that we can use bad language and shout about people we know and just not give a crap about the whole "public" nature of the blogosphere).

Since returning to NZ, just prior to Christmas, I have been TRYING (oh so very hard) to live "in the moment." As cornball as that sounds, I find myself drifting so often that I have been working -- and I mean WORKING -- to just be here. Not to sound snobbish, but I am learning that an active brain -- while truly a gift from God -- is not always the best answer, and it's definitely not the best way to live. I was so supery-dupery tired coming home that I fell into a pretty bad (but thankfully short-lived) depression. So I finally started acting on some of those tho't that had been lurking in this brain for so long.

First, (thank you MOM!), I discovered the most wonderful thing about the iPod (hyperbole 100% deserved): free podcasts. I can learn about anything, for free, thanks to this feature. Coupled with this was a trip to the hippy capital of NZ. That's a whole different story, but suffice to say that I forced us to go to Nelson and see if we want to move. We're not moving and the rest of the story can come later. But while I was in Nelson, I happened upon a marvelous hippy bookstore that had featured on display some Thich Nhat Hahn books which I had been wanting to read. (I have been interested in Buddhism for about a year -- I'm a theology nerd.) In the first book I purchased, about Anger, I encountered the best argument for vegetarianism that I have ever heard. In essence, it was about "happy meat" versus "pissed-off, crappy living conditions meat." It talked about how we ingest the anger and poor energy of poorly treated meat....This was a milestone for me. Not only from the energetic pov, but also because I am a HUGE believer in ethical spending, and I will no longer give money to support inhumane animal conditions. Again, these are all things that I rationally knew prior to the book, but it obviously hit at the right time. Soooo....

I have been contemplating vegetarianism for two years; I kept saying to DH that, despite my O Blood type and love of protein, my body didn't like meat any more. It was this article on meat that finally made the change feasible. So I have (mostly) gone off meat. I will still eat meat if my body feels I need it, or if I get trapped somewhere and it's all that's served, but the only meat I will serve to my family is "happy meat." This has led to some major Mom-as-Chef changes and I am actually spending time preparing well-balanced vegetarian meals and -- thanks to my Buddhist readings-- I am finally accepting that it's okay to prioritise myself. (Like most moms, I have always cooked based on what the kids need, or refused to spend the extra time cooking for me! Now, I am forcing myself to eat, and eat properly. Who knew that could be so empowering?)

Back to some sequential narration.... the free podcast coupled with the book purchased have led to me finally embracing meditation. Again, something I have wanted to do for so long but it just never fell into place. I am now practicing meditation, learning, reading, listening, and feeling a 1000x better. I am a remarkably well-adjusted human being (heehee, and I'm the wife of a chiropractor, which makes that a lol joke), and yet I am suddenly experiencing some potent insight into why I have these last few issues (things like my inability to stick to a routine and my total lack of empathy!!).

Really, the list of life changes just goes on and on. I have decided that I am no longer going to make myself sick (and my children neurotic) in an effort to maintain some Waldorf-homemaker ideal. I am going to hire a housekeeper to come in once in a while and help. I am throwing away stuff and selling things and un-encumbering in any way I need (this is bizarre because we are such minimalists anyway). I am enjoying school and exploring how Biggie needs to learn (more on homeschooling another day). And the only way I am managing this is to NOT spend moments thinking, "That should go on the blog."

Hmmm, but that does make me a bit sad inside because I have blog friends. For instance, I have read Anthromama's blog, well, seemingly forever. I read her before I started homeschooling, and that was eighteen months ago. I see your names on other boards (like Cafe Waldorf!!! *grin*) and I feel like a neighbour who wants to pop around and say hi. So I am reading your blogs, and looking at your photos, seeing what Christmas what like in your part of the world...I'm just lurking for a while.

I'll end by posting a photo of the most beautiful place on earth (that I've seen so far): Golden Bay, New Zealand. Top of the South Island, few residents....too few to support a chiro clinic regrettably. Impossible to get to if you are like me and hate winding canyon roads (oooh, that was bad!). But gorgeous and like-minded. Here ya go:

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Trying to be present in RL

I haven't forgotten my sweet blog, who keeps me company late at nights and when I need to log/journal/share. But at this very moment, I am trying hard to be present in my real-life, and not view everything as a moment to be blogged about (yeah, bad grammar...).

We have enjoyed a happy, sunny Christmas; we have travelled to Nelson, where we spent one week trying to set goals and determine what we actually want out of life (you know, nothing too heavy!), and now we have started back to school (because we really didn't do anything while in America).

I have been reading alot of writings on Buddhism and meditation, and I have finally begun practicing my meditations and not just talking about it. I have been cooking alot of vegetarian meals (to make up for the excessive pre-new year wine intake), and I am in love with my vegetable garden.

All in all, I am happy and calm and making efforts to get past anxiety. I will continue to blog, but I just can't obsess about it right now. Happy New Year to all.