Saturday, May 30, 2009

Some days I just want to chuck it all in...(Mini-rrrrant)

I'm having one of those weeks (thanks to hormones) when I just want to chuck the whole healthy-living, organic-eating, Waldorf homeschooling, supermom crap out the bloody window! I mean, don't we all have these days when we want to stick the kids in the local public school, spend a week getting our house REALLY (and I mean REALLY) clean, actually have all the grocery shopping completed and the meals cooked and the floors clean ALL AT THE SAME TIME??? When we can induldge in our cramps without feeling like a shitty mom because the kids sit in front of Mary Poppins all morning? I mean, I don't remember the last time my toenails were polished, and this coming from a girl who graduated from USC and always had perfect pedicures.

I'm not really going to change any of those things, because truly my life is wonderful and I am blessed to be able to live this way. BUT I do see the ways that I make our lives harder than the norm. And on these days, the thing that comes to mind most, that which Screams In My Ears, is "forget Waldorf!!" I actually really love Waldorf, but it can be so damned hard to be THAT mother. I had a wonderful discussion with a Waldorf advisor this week and she was talking about how important it is for the kids to see parents as the Rock - strong, stable, right, carrying the forms, etc. And I had to look at her and say that, in my experience, that just isn't possible for most homeschoolers. I mean, first off, we give up the second income that pays for the full-time babysitter or nanny; second, as immigrants, we have no grandparents or aunties to help, and DH goes to work. When I fall apart, or lose my cool, or sit crying for days because my grandmother died, my kids are right there with me. There is no school to ship them to, so that they can see Mommy being composed all the time. And today, as Biggie went to put clean FOLDED clothes into dirty clothes basket, I completely frigging lost my temper....because there is an element to homeschooling that turns us into 24hour a day slaves and the happy-happy- singsongness of Waldorf just ain't gonna cut it at all times!

There, I think I'm done. I'm just gonna stop there while the ranting is fresh and completed and I don't start dredging up other things to complain about.

Back to my silent blog.

8 comments:

Jenell said...

There are many things that I, too, love about Waldorf. But that is one thing I don't agree with. I think it might have even gotten misconstrued, but I'm not sure.... I think the children NEED to see us as striving beings, as human. What I think the original intention (or maybe it's just my distortion) was that we are the creators of our life. That we are (mostly) in charge and take responsibility for ourselves.

I loved your rant...we've all been there. School is a journey, and life is a journey. Hugs to you on the downside.

Sarah said...

Ya know, I'm just not buying that anymore about us needing to be "the rocks". Humans are not rocks all the time. We can take turns being rocks, but we just can't do it constantly, and I don't think that we actually would be doing our kids any favors even if we could.

I think one of the biggest gifts we can give our kids as homeschoolers is a compassionate authenticity. This is the biggest adjustment we have to make when moving Waldorf out of the schools and into our homes. Waldorf teachers can be sing-songy perfect rocks all day and it is okay because those kids still get some authenticity at home with their parents. I think (and some days I pray, please God let this be true) that it is far more important for us to show our children a healthy range of human emotion, and how to deal with those emotions.

So we yell sometimes when we are angry. Do we apologize afterwards? So we screw up a hundred times a day. Do we make efforts to do better tomorrow? Of course we do. And sometimes we call our husbands at 8:00 in the morning and vow, "I am putting this kid on the next school bus that drives past this house. I don't care where it is going!"

Jenell said...

Amen to that!

Gypsy said...

Oh babe ... you have it rough doing it without a massive community and support ... two littlies push me constantly to the brink of sanity, and I have a huge extended family helping out. You are doing amazingly! And I find there is nothing like a day of disposable nappies and takeaways to recommit me to my chosen lifestyle ;)

Mud Mama said...

*smiling*

I don't think that Steiner intended us to be rocks as in emotionless beings. We each have our own temperment too. So when I think of being a rock I think of that deeper hum of life that an ancient rock has compared to the buzz of the insect world or the fast flowing sap of a tree. I think of that wisdom a rock has about the cycles of life. That deep deep thrumming hum of life and the knowing that everything comes around again. If you feel this is only a calm hum of a piece of granite(phlematic?) look at a volcano (choleric?), look at rocks that skip and dance and smooth themselves round in a stream (sanguine?) and look at the salt of your tears - melancholic - all are from the natural mineral realm, all are rocks. What they share is a wisdom. Be that for your children, even if you don't always feel it, they feel it when they are little - you know everything, you are as old and as wise as the hills. Thats their rock.

Dawn said...

Oh yes, I agree with every word if your rant! There are some days when it does feel very hard. Waldorf homeschooling certainly isn't the easiest path to choose.

Henitsirk said...

Along the lines of what MudMama said...I think we can be "rocks" in terms of being consistent, fair, rhythmic, etc. in general. Not emotionless, not stressless, but certainly an island of safety and consistency for the children. Kind of like those breakwaters made of big boulders: the big waves of life are still out there, and the harbor isn't totally calm, but the rocks dampen things to a safe level.

That said, I have a hard time with all that even when my kids are away all day! I empathize with you, especially the part of having no family support nearby.

Miriam's Art Journal said...

flexibility is stregth....a rock is stiff and lacks flexibility....

as a mom of kids who go to the local public school yet is still incredibly involved, it's nice to hear we all have the same "moments".

Perhaps building community with people around you will bring you some support....either emotional or actual kid support....it use to be that all adults in the community would support the raising of kids.....

I love your blog....thanks for sharing..

Mir